Jake: “Reporting to you from SiennaTigerlily’s bedroom, today is November 13, 2018 and it is a Tuesday, and my name is Jake the Ape, and these are my co-hosts: Ducky Buttons the Yellow Duck, Flopsy the White Bunny, and Peanuts the Elephant. We’re here to bring you the latest news from South Texas.

And so to start off:

The weather is a bitter 49 degrees Farenheit with a feel of 43 degrees right now at 12:28PM. It will be a high of 54 and a low of 35 today and pretty much cloudy throughout the day and evening with a bit of sun. The feel will range from 39 to 48 degrees. There’s a NNW wind ranging from 7 to 20 mph today. And so grab yourself a hot cup of coffee and settle in with the cold because this will be the same type of weather basically for the next ten days. Is this even South Texas? We didn’t want this much cold. Brrr!”

Ducky Buttons: “Oh hush, Jake! You make too much of it being cold. Now on to other news of South Texas. As in sports. In sports today, pertaining to soccer, the Tigers take the lead over the Mountain Lions and whollop them 30-2. The Mountain Lions go off with their tail in between their legs. Sorry Mountain Lions. The Brown Bears narrowly beat the Black Bears 18-17. What a surprising win! Congratulations, Brown Bears! And now in golf, Garry the Duck beats Manny the Goose 5-3. Rats, I was hoping Garry would win. Onward we go. Randy the Owl makes a surprising comeback after his wing injury back in May, beating Sammy the Hawk 8-1. Good going, Randy! Off we go to Basketball. The Kangaroos beat the Seals–though it is a close one–by 20-15. Looks like the Seals are finally figuring this basketball thing out. The Antelope beat the Otters by 20-0. Will the Otters ever be able to make a comeback? Ever since they lost Timothy to their rivals they just haven’t been the same. And that’s all in sports, people! Have a great day, and stay warm!”

Peanuts: “In celebrity news, the long-time Flamingo flames, Carrie and Johnny, finally tied the knot. Zoey the Zebra finished her documentary movie, The Stripes of Me. From the trailer it looks to be an excellent movie. It’s going to be released on Monday. And the last noteworthy thing in celebrity news is Amy the Monkey bought a beautiful bungalow down in the Florida Keys and is now enjoying the good life with her millions of bananas.”

Flopsy: “And last the news on cooking. There’s a new version on Carrot Stew. Instead of using 3 carrots, use 4 and go for seasoned salt instead of regular salt. Grass Pie is now $2 instead of $4. Algae Casserole has made a comeback. Though it’s the red algae that’s the one that is popular now, not the green one. Unfortunately, it’s very expensive $20 for a pound. The dish Plankton Mish-Mash is finally out in South Texas. It’s being sold at your local H-E-B. And when it comes to drinks, there’s Carrot Tea that’s now finally out at H-E-B. A Hot Water Wine–however that can be–is now being made. It will be coming out soon too. First at clubs and bars to see if it’s popular and if it is, then at stores. Ginger Coffee is wonderful on cold night/day like this one. But two teaspoons of sugar and milk, not one. Come and get it! And that’s all for the news, folks! Join us again tomorrow. Stay cozy, everyone! Drink those hot drinks and eat those warm dishes. All these mentioned are perfect for cold weather.”

Jake, Flopsy, Peanuts, and Ducky Buttons all together: “Have a great day, everyone!”

The End for today.